Frozen
by TinkerBella7
Summary: Deeks thought he'd put being tortured behind him. But it's not that simple. Luckily, Kensi is there to help him.


Kensi replayed the scenario in her head, just one more time. Closing her eyes to see that exact moment when Deeks had been taken from them.

They had planned out every moment of the exchange. Deeks had pulled out his Dale John Sully alias, using his one time connection to Lasik in order to get Ibu Chang to meet up with him and Callen. Callen's cover had been perfect. A Russian Arms dealer with an interest in expanding to human trafficking. Ibu Chang was a human trafficker interested in expanding into arms dealing. Deeks, as Sully, was the perfect intermediary bringing Callen's Victor Penko and Ibu Chang together.

Everything was going to plan when Chang decided so long as he had Sully on his payroll he didn't need Penko, which meant he considered Callen disposable goods. But when Chang's men made to kill Callen, Sully intervened letting Chang know he was flattered but that he owed Penko and didn't want him dead. That said, he was more than happy to change sides so they could just leave Penko to hang in the wind with his buyers. Sully would now do business, full time, with Chang.

Which meant letting Deeks go off with the bad guys, because they hadn't yet completed their mission. The arms deal, with stolen US military weapons, that Chang was supposed to let Callen, as Penko, buy into. It meant adjusting the plan, and at first they were able to track Deeks via his cell phone. But within twenty minutes, the signal died. Which meant Deeks was out there, alone, with the bad guys.

Kensi hadn't taken that fact too well. Now she fully understood how Deeks must have felt when she'd volunteered to go off with the Russian bad guys, a couple of years back. It sucked. She knew Deeks was doing the job, and she would do hers, but she was about out of her mind with worry.

Until they got a break, six hours later. Somehow, someway, a new signal came through, giving them Deeks location. Everyone but Nell and Hetty seemed surprised. Nell broke when they all stared her down.

"Tracker in the heel of Deeks' shoe," the Intelligence Analyst explained, looking a bit smug. "The signal was blocked until now. I'll figure out why later."

"Where is he?" Kensi prompted. She needed to get to Deeks now, she could give Nell a pat on the back another time.

Nell typed quickly. "I've sent the address to your phones. Good luck," she offered, as Kensi headed out with Sam and Callen on her heels.

It took over an hour to reach the address. Ibu Chang lived a life of luxury, in a mansion overlooking the ocean.

Somewhere inside the fancy beach house, was her partner, and Kensi was anxious to get him back. "So how do we play this?" she asked, Callen, as the three of them huddled behind her car. They were hidden from view down a side road, using binoculars to study Chang's set up.

"Keep in mind, we still have to complete the mission," Callen reminded Kensi. "We'll get Deeks back, but we have to get those weapons."

"Maybe they're here," Sam offered, ever the optimist. He was a realist first and foremost, but he was more than willing to see the glass as half-full rather than half-empty.

Kensi was tired of waiting. "Let's find out." Before Callen could reply, she was on the move.

The next hour was pretty much a blur. Chang, Deeks, six body guards and a buyer were conducting business when the team breached the beach house. Shots were fired, fights ensued, Deeks chased down Chang and Callen went after the buyer while Kensi and Sam took on the body guards. By the end of it all of the body guards were dead and Callen dragged the buyer back, but sported a split lip that Sam couldn't help but comment on. Deeks took longer to show up. Kensi was about to go look for him when he appeared on the deck, limping a bit, a tied up Chang in tow.

"Where were you?" Kensi demanded, checking him over and sensing that something was off. Business first, but she would interrogate Deeks later.

"I was busy, securing the bad guy and the guns," Deeks replied, looking rather pleased with himself. He turned to Callen and Sam. "The arms are in the boat house. Ibu here was trying to run off with them."

Sam shook his head. "Not too bright, is he?" he taunted, not that Chang was up to taking the bait. His face was battered, he was bleeding from a cut under his eye and he looked like he was about to throw up.

Kensi would have paid to see the take down. For all she liked to tease Deeks about his fighting skills, she knew her partner was more than capable of holding his own. "Are they the missing military guns?" she asked.

"They are," Deeks confirmed. "So...are we ready to pack up and take this show on the road?"

"Clean up crew is on the way." Callen finished checking his phone, sliding it back in his pocket. "You did good, Deeks. Why don't you and Kensi head back. Sam and I will be right behind you."

Deeks nodded. "Sounds good." He turned to Kensi. "Ready, partner?"

She was more than ready. "Want to drive?" It was a test and it worried Kensi when Deeks shook his head. "You sure?" she prompted, as they headed out the door. "It'll be a long time before I make the offer again."

"I'm good," Deeks replied, offering a tired smile. "But I do call dibs on the radio."

Kensi snorted. "You know the rules, the driver controls the radio." And she worried just a bit more when Deeks didn't push the issue. Instead he slid into the passenger seat, buckled his seat belt and promptly dozed off before Kensi had even reached the end of the driveway. Granted, it was a long driveway, but still.

So she drove in silence, not even turning on the radio, instead listening to Deeks breathe. It was heading into twilight and she could see that he looked pale and exhausted, and she was tempted to wake him up just to reassure herself he really was okay. But in the end she simply let him sleep.

Forty minutes later they reached town and Kensi hit the drive thru at her favorite burger place. She got Deeks his favorite and nudged him awake so he could eat before they reached the Mission.

"W-what?" Deeks mumbled, shifting and wincing and looking confused.

"I got food." Kensi waved a cheeseburger under his nose, hoping to entice him. "We'll be back in about twenty minutes. I was starving."

Scrubbing a hand over his face, Deeks blinked hard and stared out the windshield as if trying to get his bearings. Meanwhile he managed to ignore the burger, until Kensi waved it in front of his face again. Grabbing her wrist, Deeks pushed the burger away. "You eat it, I'm not hungry."

Once again, Kensi felt worry kick her in the gut. Deeks refusing his favorite cheeseburger was like a flashing, neon, warning sign that something was wrong. Dropping all pretence, she outright asked him, "You okay?"

"I'm good." Deeks almost managed to pull off a genuine smile, but it faltered when Kensi continued to stare at him, her gaze not wavering even an inch. "I'm just tired, Kens. It's been a long day."

"Amen to that," she conceded. "A burger will make you feel better." Kensi wasn't about to back off. It had been a long day and she doubted Deeks had been fed by Chang. Just a few bites of her own burger had made her feel worlds better.

Deeks shook his head. "Maybe later." He shifted in his seat again, obviously uncomfortable, and moving rather stiffly.

Kensi sighed, shoving the burger back into the bag and wondering what to do next. She was tempted to pull over and refuse to move until Deeks talked to her, but she was all too aware of how hypocritical that would be of her. She hated talking about things. She preferred to deal with her issues privately, and Kensi knew Deeks felt the same way. He had kept his distance after being tortured and, to this day, he hadn't said one word to her about what he had suffered through.

So she was grateful when they reached the mission. The moment she pulled into a parking spot, Deeks was out of the car. Kensi hurried after him, but he was no where to be seen when she entered.

Hetty was waiting for her. "Mr. Deeks is off to shower," she said, offering an explanation as to his whereabouts before Kensi could ask. "I believe he needs a few minutes to himself."

"Is he okay?" Kensi knew that Hetty cared about Deeks, and that she took it upon herself to watch over him. Although Hetty watched over all of them and she had a deep connection to Callen, Kensi knew that her boss had a special connection with her partner. So she trusted that Hetty would tell her the truth about Deeks.

"Mr. Deeks is stronger than he believes himself to be," Hetty replied, after a moment of thoughtful silence. "That said, I believe it would be wise if you kept an eye on him. We all have our good days and our bad days."

Kensi nodded, knowing that to be true. "Today is a good day, right? I mean...we got the bad guys, the guns and everyone is safe."

Hetty offered a sublime smile. "It is a good day, Ms. Blye. But it comes at the end of a long week." With that Hetty patted Kensi on the arm and glided away.

"Well, that was sort of helpful," Kensi mused, as she moved over to her desk and sat down to wait. Only she felt too wound up to sit still. A moment later she was on her feet and heading for the mens' locker room. Before she could change her mind, Kensi barged in, eyes wide open.

To find Deeks standing at the mirror, toothbrush in hand, rinsing and spitting into the sink. He was wearing jeans and socks, but no shoes or shirt and his hair was a mass of damp curls. But what Kensi's eyes focused on was the bruising that mottled his ribcage and abdomen.

Reaching for a papertowel, Deeks wiped his mouth and set aside his toothbrush before turning to face her. "You do know this is the men's locker room, right Kens?" He looked both amused and irritated, and didn't seem able to settle on one over the other.

"I was worried." Kensi figured it was best to be blunt. Especially since she was now more worried than ever. The bruising was bad enough, but what bothered her even more was the fact that Deeks had lost weight. She could easily count his ribs. Why hadn't she noticed before now? Hell, Sam had even commented on it a couple of days ago, teasing Deeks that his skinny jeans were starting to get baggy. Kensi had just ignored the truth standing in front of her, until now.

"Worried?" Deeks echoed, reaching for his shirt and wincing as he pulled the tee over his head.

Kensi gestured to his bruises. "You okay?"

Deeks looked down at his ribs, then nodded. "Yeah, I'm good. Chang felt the need to test my loyalty. Why bad guys always think a beating will make a person more loyal to them, baffles me."

"Maybe I should take you to the hospital, get those ribs checked out." Kensi knew Deeks was trying to be Deeks and joke and reassure her he was fine, but she wasn't buying it. He looked tired, pale and he was obviously in pain.

"Maybe you shouldn't," Deeks countered, looking pissed. But then he shook his head, heaving a soft sigh before offering a wobbly smile. "Kens, I'm fine. A couple of advil and a good night's sleep and I'll be good to go." Sitting down on a nearby bench, Deeks zipped his boots on.

Kensi knew she was walking a fine line, because it was clear that Deeks was fighting to stay calm and not snap at her, but she couldn't seem to stop herself. "I'll drive you home," she offered.

Deeks actually laughed at that. "I can drive myself."

"Deeks..." She stalled, uncertain of what to say to convince him to let her help him. Why couldn't he just read her mind, like he usually seemed to do.

"Kensi..." Deeks countered, mocking her tone. He stood up, grabbing a gray hoodie and slipping it on. "Look, I'm fine. Really. I'm going home to sleep then sleep some more. I'll call you in the morning." With that Deeks grabbed his Go bag and headed out.

Kensi stood where he'd left her, watching him go. She wanted to run after him, to stop him, to convince him to let her take care of him, but she felt rooted to the spot. By the time she got her body to obey her mind, Deeks was gone. Kensi cursed herself as she grabbed her gear from her desk, not paying attention to the fact that Sam and Callen were watching her every move.

Until Callen tapped her on the arm and almost ended up with a black eye. "Whoa, Kensi. Take it easy."

"Sorry." Kensi rubbed a hand over her face before dropping into her chair. "You startled me."

"Obviously." Callen looked worried. "You okay?"

Huffing a wisp of hair out of her eyes, Kensi shook her head. "No. I mean, yes. I'm fine. It's not me. It's...Deeks. I'm worried about Deeks."

Sam joined in the conversation. "He looked exhausted when he left."

"And beat up," Kensi supplied. "He told me Chang worked him over to test his loyalty."

"Bad?" Callen didn't look happy as he asked.

Kensi nodded. "His ribs and abdomen are covered in bruises." She paused, uncertain if she should share her other concerns.

Sam seemed to sense her hesitation. "What else?" he prompted.

"He's exhausted, like you said, and...and he's lost weight. I could count his ribs." Kensi realized what she had said and how it sounded, and she could imagine what they were thinking. So she stumbled to explain, only to have Sam cut her off.

"I saw you going into the men's locker room, Kensi. It's okay." Sam patted her on the shoulder, but he looked grim. "Deeks has lost about five pounds in the past week, and he's not sleeping."

Kensi was shocked by Sam's comments. Shocked and angry, mostly at herself for not noticing before now. "I should have seen it." The words were muttered to herself.

But Callen heard her. "We all should have. But Deeks is like the rest of us. Mostly. " He paused to smile, obviously hoping to alleviate Kensi's concern. When she just blinked at him, he continued. "For all Deeks likes to whine about a paper cut, when he's really hurting he likes to lick his wounds in private. We all do that."

"I know." Kensi knew how guilty she was of that, but she also knew that since being partnered with Deeks, he was always there for her. Following her home and invading her space, even when she told him not too. In the end she always let him stay, seldom thanking him for his presence, but feeling comforted by it, none the less. "So what do I do?"

"What do your instincts tell you to do?" Sam countered.

Kensi sighed, wishing Sam would just tell her what to do. "I suck at this," she confessed. "He told me he was going home to get some sleep. I don't want to bother him if he's resting."

Sam shrugged. "Do what feels right." He turned away, gathering his gear and nodding to Callen. "Ready to head out, partner?"

"Ready." Callen was right behind him, but he stopped in front of Kensi. "Don't make yourself crazy, okay? And get some sleep."

"Yeah. Okay." Kensi waved them both off, feeling frustrated and worried and off-balance. Her instincts seemed to be on the fritz. So she grabbed her own bag and headed out, driving home on auto-pilot. Once there she took a shower, dressed in sweats, a tee and a hoodie, and settled in for some ice cream, beer and America's Next Top Model reruns.

Five minutes later she was heading out the door, the beer and ice cream dumped in the sink, TV still on. Her instincts might suck, but Kensi knew what Deeks would do if their situations were reversed. So she ordered some pizza as she drove, picked it up on the way, and was knocking on her partner's door, in just under thirty minutes.

To say that Deeks looked surprised to see her standing there, was an understatement. He stood in the doorframe, dressed in sweatpants and a white tee, hair more unruly than usual, staring at her.

"Hey." Kensi wasn't sure what else to say. So they stared at each other for a moment, before she out right asked, "Can I come in?"

"Why are you here?" Deeks countered, not budging.

It was hard to shrug with a pizza in her hands, but Kensi managed. When Deeks continued to simply stare at her, she made an attempt to explain. "I couldn't sleep and...I just didn't want to be alone. You know?" She really, really, hoped he got what she was trying to say.

For a moment it looked like Deeks was going to close the door in her face, but suddenly he stepped back and gestured for her to enter.

"You can pick the movie," Kensi offered, as she breezed by him. She set the pizza down on the coffee table, then headed for the kitchen to grab two beers. She was halfway back to the couch when she remembered, "Oh...napkins." Grabbing a handful, Kensi strode over to the couch and made herself comfortable.

"You pick the movie," Deeks said, finally shutting the door and joining her. "For the record, I'm not going to be very good company," he warned.

Kensi shrugged. She didn't care if they simply sat together in silence, she just wanted to be with Deeks and offer what comfort she could. But she wasn't going to lie to herself. Just being here, with him, was making her feel better. She finally felt as if she could shake off the tension that had bogged her down all day and relax. They had completed their mission, put away the bad guys and no one had died. Deeks hadn't died. Kensi called that a giant win.

Reaching for the lid of the pizza box, she grabbed two pieces, handing one to Deeks. "Eat," she ordered, before taking a huge bite from her own slice. It tasted like heaven. Double cheese and mushrooms, just the way Deeks liked it.

"You didn't have to do this, Kens," Deeks said, before taking a bite.

"Yeah I did, I'm starving," she mumbled around a second mouthful.

Deeks chewed and swallow before grinning. "Classy," he teased, chuckling as she gave him the finger. But the smile faded fast. "I meant, you didn't have to come over. I'm good."

Kensi hadn't expected to have this conversation quite so soon, but she figured they might as well get it over with and move on. "If our positions were reversed today, you'd be at my place knocking on the door with food and beer." Kensi locked eyes with Deeks, daring him to deny it.

"Point," he muttered, looking away and focusing intently on his pizza. He took another bite but then he dropped the slice back into the box, obviously not hungry.

"So what shall we watch?" Kensi asked, reaching for the remote. She wasn't sure what to say to Deeks, so she figured focusing on the TV would make the silence between them more comfortable. The way it usually did.

Deeks didn't reply, instead he rose to his feet, moving stiffly, one hand running through his hair making some strands stand up on end. "Kens, don't take this the wrong way, but I'd really like to be alone. I mean...I appreciate you coming over and all but..." he broke off, looking frustrated.

Dropping her pizza slice back into the box, Kensi moved to confront him. "Deeks, talk to me. What's going on? "

"Nothing is going on." He wouldn't meet her gaze, going so far as to turn away from her. "I'm just tired, okay? I'm tired and I hurt and I just want to wallow in my misery by myself."

"Okay." Kensi felt her stomach twist into a knot. She didn't want to leave, but she didn't know how to get Deeks to let her stay. Maybe she could stall him until she could think of something. "Let's just finish eating, then I'll go."

Deeks shook his head. "Just...take the pizza with you. I'm not hungry."

Kensi felt her anxiety ratchet, which meant she lost her filter. "You haven't been hungry for a while now!" It sounded like an accusation and Kensi saw the look of surprise on Deeks' face, but she didn't give him a chance to respond. "You've lost weight, Deeks. I'm not the only one who's noticed. Sam thinks you've lost five pounds this week." Kensi found herself moving closer, crowding into Deeks' personal space. "What the hell is going on? Talk to me!"

"We're not having this conversation." Deeks stepped back, putting several feet of space between them, blue eyes flashing with anger. "You don't get to ask the questions that you refuse to answer. You don't get to be a hypocrite with me."

"Deeks..." Kensi wanted to argue with him, but she knew he had her dead to rights. When she hit a rough patch in life she liked to work through it on her own, and even when she let Deeks spend time with her, he knew not to ask questions. Not to pry. So she had no right to do it to him. Only she knew something was wrong and she was worried about Deeks. But she was willing to back off as long as he let her stay. If he made her leave, she would lose it. "I'm sorry." She didn't know what else to say and she could only hope that it would be enough.

It was like watching a balloon deflate. All the anger seemed to seep out of Deeks in a rush, leaving him swaying on his feet. He scrubbed a hand over his face, heaved a sigh, then nodded. "Apology accepted."

Kensi felt relief wash over her. "So I can stay?" She felt a moment of panic when Deeks hesitated, but then he nodded.

"You can stay for a movie, but I might fall asleep," Deeks warned, offering a wan smile.

"Deal." Kensi made her way back over to the couch, snagging her pizza slice and making herself comfortable. "Put in Transformers: Dark of the Moon," she suggested. "I like that one." It was one of her favorites, which Deeks had made her watch, not that she would ever admit it to him.

Deeks grinned, looking pleased as he did her bidding. Then he was settling onto the couch beside her, reaching for his own pizza slice.

Two hours later Kensi was fighting a yawn as the credits rolled across the screen. Deeks had eaten his slice of pizza, only one to Kensi's four, but she let it go, happy he'd at least eaten something. They hadn't talked during the movie, and Kensi had caught Deeks dozing off a time or two. Now it was only a few hours before dawn and she was beat.

"Mind if I stay on the couch?" Kensi asked, keeping her tone neutral. "I'm beat."

"Yeah...okay." Deeks rose from the couch, body stiff, obviously in pain. He was smiling though as he stated, "I do have a spare room, Kens. And you can get to the bed and everything."

Kensi glared at him, not pleased at his implication that her spare room was a mess. That it was a mess wasn't the point. "The couch is fine. I'm just going to catch a few z's then I'll head home." They didn't have to go into work, so she could catch up on her sleep later. Right now she wanted to stay with Deeks to keep an eye on him, but she really was tired enough not to want to drive home.

Deek shrugged. "Whatever floats your boat." He turned away, turning off lights on his way to his bedroom. "Night, Kens."

"Night, Deeks," She replied, grabbing the blanket off the back of the couch before stretching out. She waited until he was gone, the sound of the bedroom door closing, before she allowed herself to relax. Never in a million years would she let Deeks know that tonight was more about her own insecurities and fears, than it was about him. Not that she wasn't worried about him, because she was. But he was alive, bruised but not broken, and she was here and able to watch over him. Even though he wanted her to believe nothing was wrong, Kensi knew Deeks was going through a rough patch. Staying over was her way of reminding him that he wasn't alone and Kensi hoped that it would give Deeks some comfort. Maybe he would tell her about it, maybe he wouldn't. Either way she would be there for him, because she was his partner and that's what partners do.

Feeling a sense of accomplishment, Kensi drifted off to sleep.

Kensi came awake with a start, reaching for her gun even as she rolled off the couch. It took a moment to realize that a crash was what woke her. A crash coming from Deeks' bedroom. Without hesitation, Kensi got up and ran to the door, gun at the ready. "Deeks!" She called out, even as she reached for the door knob and pushed it open. Kensi flicked on the lights only to freeze at the sight of her partner.

Deeks was huddled in the far corner, surrounded by shards of broken glass from the bedside table lamp that must have been the source of the crash that had startled Kensi awake. He was curled into himself, arms wrapped around his knees, fists clenched and body shaking.

"Deeks?" Kensi tossed her gun on the bed and made to move towards him, only to stop when he shouted at her.

"No!" Rising unsteadily to his feet, Deeks glared at Kensi. "Get out!" he ordered, his eyes wild and his tone desperate.

But Kensi wasn't going anywhere. She moved closer, wanting desperately to reach out to him. Deeks looked like he was going to topple over any second. "What happened?" she asked, moving another step near him.

Deeks took a stumbling step away from her, one hand out-stretched in an attempt to keep her back. "Please...Kens...go."

"I want to help," Kensi replied, fighting back tears. This Deeks reminded her of the man she'd found in the warehouse. The one who begged her to release him from his bonds. The man she had been forced to walk away from. "Talk to me, Deeks. What happened?"

"Nightmare!" Deeks spat at her. "Okay? Happy? Now get out!" He turned away from her, heading for the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Shutting her out.

Kensi stood there for a moment, wondering what to do next. No way in hell was she going to leave Deeks alone, but she had no clue what to do to help him when he so, obviously, wanted her to go. For a moment, Kensi considered knocking on the bathroom door and breaking it down if she had to, but she nixed that idea as a bad one. Deeks didn't need more stress right now. Her next thought was to call Sam. He and Deeks had suffered through the torture together and she knew things had changed between them because of it. Sam knew how to deal with this kind of thing, so maybe he could help. But Kensi tossed that idea aside as well, knowing that Deeks wouldn't want anyone else to be here. Hell, he didn't even want her here.

Pacing didn't help much, although it did make Kensi realized the mess from the broken lamp needed to be cleaned up. So she left the bedroom, went in search of a broom and dust pan, found them in the utility closet in the hallway, and a moment later she was back and making short work of the mess.

Dumping the broken glass and lamp parts into the trash, Kensi glanced at her watch. 4am. Not much sleep for either of them. She looked around, wishing Monty were here. The Police Dog was a great companion for Deeks and Kensi knew that animals were supposed to have a calming effect on their owners. She was tempted to make a run to the vets to pick him up. Deeks had dropped him off that morning because Monty had gotten into a dog fight with a stray on their morning walk. The stray had been about to bite a little kid and Deeks had explained how Monty had run off to the rescue, taking the bite instead. So Deeks had run him to the vet to stitch him up and get the necessary shots. They had gotten off work too late to pick him up.

"Maybe coffee would help," Kensi muttered to herself, not knowing what else to do. The only thing she knew for sure was that she wasn't going to leave Deeks alone. So she made a pot of coffee, strong, sitting at the side table until it was done. Then she poured two cups, adding milk to Deeks and leaving hers black, before heading back into the bedroom.

The bathroom door was still closed and Kensi was hesitant to knock, but she set the coffee cups down the the nearby dresser then rapped her on the door. "Deeks? I made coffee." No response. "Deeks? Are you okay?" Still no response. Kensi didn't even hear movement, which made her nervous. "Deeks? If you don't reply I'm going to break in! You've got ten seconds."

Before she could begin counting he responded.

"I'll be out in a minute." He sounded pissed.

"Okay." Kensi didn't budge from her spot. A moment later she was rewarded as Deeks exited the bathroom, a towel wrapped around his waist, skin and hair damp from an obvious shower. Kensi found herself staring until she realized Deeks was glaring at her because she was blocking the doorway. "Sorry," she apologized, as she stepped back out of the way.

Deeks, however, didn't move. "I need to get dressed," he said, his tone sharp.

Kensi nodded. "Okay, I'll be in the kitchen. With the coffee." She grabbed both cups and headed out of the room, taking note as she returned to the kitchen that dawn was just starting light up the sky. A glance at her watch confirmed that it was just after six am. They had only slept for a couple of hours. If Deeks was suffering nightmares, it explained why he was so exhausted. Sitting back down at the table, Kensi blew on her coffee then took a few gulps. It was too damn early to be up and she wasn't ready for the confrontation she knew was inevitable.

"You should go home, Kens," Deeks stated, as he entered the kitchen a few minutes later.

"We need to talk," she countered, shifting in her chair to look at him. He was dressed in jeans, a tee shirt and a hoodie but his feet were bare and he hadn't bothered to brush his hair. Not that she figured he even owned a brush. His hair was a riot of curls, so he must do something to tame it. Some form of daily grooming. Kensi found herself smiling a bit, thinking how the curls made him look even younger, only to see the dark circles under his eyes and how gaunt his face was getting.

Deeks moved to lean against the counter, arms crossed over his chest. "There's nothing to talk about. I had a nightmare. It happens."

Kensi nodded. "I know. But I'm guessing it's been happening every night lately. How long, Deeks?"

"How long what?" he countered, keeping both his tone and his expression bland. It was obvious he knew what she was asking, and equally obvious he wasn't going to make this easy for her.

"I admit I was slow to catch on," Kensi stated. "Sam noticed you were losing weight and that you were exhausted about a week ago. So...at least a week, right?"

Pushing away from the counter, Deeks moved to confront her. "We are not having this conversation, Kensi. Consider it off limits."

She stood up, pushing the chair back so she could face him toe to toe. "I'm not dropping this, Deeks. You're not sleeping."

"I sleep!" he snapped, eyes blazing even as his body vibrated with anger.

"For what? An hour or two a night?" Kensi wasn't about to back down now. She sensed that his anger wasn't directed at her, he was more upset that she was pushing this confrontation. She understood that, she would be pissed if their roles were reversed. Whenever she was having a rough time, Deeks was always there. But he never pushed past the boundaries she set. Yet, here she was doing just that and she wasn't going to apologize. Now that her eyes were open, Kensi couldn't ignore the fact that Deeks was struggling. The way he had been struggling in the immediate aftermath of being tortured. She had let him push her away then, she'd be damned if she'd let him do it now. Not when she was certain she could help him.

But Deeks, being Deeks, wasn't about to cooperate with her plan. It was like he lived to make things difficult between them. Ignoring her question he countered with, "Do you want breakfast?"

Kensi held her ground. "Do you? Because you can use it. I can count your ribs, Deeks." She saw him flinch as he turned and opened the fridge only to slam it closed as she forged ahead. "You don't eat, you don't sleep. What the hell is going on?"

"I'm not having this conversation with you." Deeks turned to go.

"Deeks!" Kensi grabbed his wrist, stopping him in his tracks, feeling the warmth of his skin and the fine bone beneath. Feeling him tremble. "Talk to me," she begged, because for him she was willing to do that.

He froze, breath catching in his throat, body vibrating with tension. Gently, he tugged his arm free of her grip before turning to face her. "We don't talk," he whispered, his eyes glimmering dark and saturated with sadness.

It broke her heart. "I'm willing to make an exception," Kensi replied, keeping her voice soft, terrified of spooking Deeks. Right now, in this moment, he looked fragile enough to break and it scared her to see him like this. They called him the weak one, but Kensi knew better. She knew how strong Deeks was. He had a strength of will that never ceased to amaze her. An ability to get knocked down...knocked out...but he never stayed down. He would always bend, never break. Kensi had never told him, probably never would, but he was her rock of Gibraltor. Now she wanted nothing more than to be his.

"I'm just...I'm just tired, Kens. Okay?" Deeks sounded desperate and anxious in a way that was so unlike his usual laid back manner.

"It's more than that, Deeks," Kensi replied, moving back into his personal space. She wanted to hold him, to soothe him, only it wasn't something she was used to doing. She felt awkward in her own skin right now, which annoyed her on so many levels. She wasn't used to feeling like this and she didn't like it. But mostly, it hindered her ability to help her partner. To help her...friend. "I can see you breaking down," Kensi continued, hoping that by being honest she could get him to trust her. "I want to help you."

Deeks laughed at that, not in a mean way but more as if he were surprised by her words. The sound became stuck in his throat, causing him to gasp for breath, turning into a hiccup that led to to a snarl of anger as he, visibly, fought to gain control of his emotions. "You can't help me, Kensi," he whispered, after a long pause.

She found herself reaching out to touch him, fingertips brushing his forearm and she could feel him trembling. "Try me," she begged. And it was begging.

"I can't sleep." Deeks pulled away from her, his arms wrapped around his torso as if trying to hold himself together. "Can't eat...can't focus." He stopped, looking lost and broken and defeated.

"Nightmares?" Kensi guessed, even as she gave in to the need to hold him. Sinking to the floor with him as his knees gave out.

Deeks let his head fall back against the wall, not giving in to Kensi's embrace, but not pushing her away either. "I just need to sleep. Everything would be...normal...again, if I could just sleep."

Kensi felt entirely out of her element, her mind racing for the right thing to say, the right thing to do. All she had were her instincts to go on, so she went with it. "What set them off?"

"Hand drill." Deeks huffed out a humorless chuckle, his head rolling to the side so he could look at her. "Neighbor lady...Alice...she asked me to help her hang a picture on the wall. Her Grandson. She handed me the hand drill. Cordless, no less. I put the screw in the wall and all the while I could feel the vibration. In my hand...travelling all the way up my arm...into my mouth. I could taste the blood..." His eyes closed as he drifted back into the memory of that other time.

"Deeks!" Kensi gripped his face in both hands, shaking him a bit, wanting those blue eyes to open and focus on her face. "Look at me!" she snapped, not giving in until he final came back to her. But the eyes that stared back at her looked vacant and empty. "It's over, you know that. It's over and you're safe now. I'm here with you and you're safe."

Snapping back into himself, Deeks stepped away from Kensi, turning his back to shut her out. "I know that!" he snarled. "I know I'm safe! I know it's over! I know I shouldn't feel like this..." he choked on the last words, body shaking, shoulders hitting the wall where he slid down to the floor. He buried his face in his hands, knees drawn up. looking for all the world as if he were trying to curl into himself.

Kensi didn't hesitate, she went down on her knees beside him. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"For what?" Deeks mumbled, not look up.

"I dunno...for everything, I guess." Kensi couldn't give him any better answer than that because she really didn't know why.

Deeks slowly lifted his head, eyes red-rimmed with exhaustion and unshed tears. "Go home, Kensi. I really need to be alone right now."

She shook her head. "What you really need is sleep. You said it yourself. That's something I think I can help you with. If you'll trust me." Rising to her feet, she held out one hand.

"You know I trust you," Deeks replied, reaching out and letting her haul him to his feet. When he swayed Kensi moved in, wrapping an arm around his waist and guiding him into his bedroom.

"Get under the covers and get comfortable," Kensi ordered. She was pleased when Deeks shrugged off his hoodie and obeyed. Once he was settled on his side, facing the doorway, she smoothed the blankets over him then kicked off her shoes and crawled onto the bed behind him, lying on top of the covers.

Deeks looked back over his shoulder at her. "What are you doing?"

Kensi snugged in behind Deeks, not too close but close enough that he would be able to feel her presence. Then she settled on hand in his hair, hesitating a bit when he stared at her in surprise, but relaxing when he turned his head back and sighed in pure bliss. Smiling to herself, Kensi let her fingers combed through Deeks' hair, finding it to be much softer than she had expected.

"I feel...frozen," Deeks said softly, a few minutes later. His breathing had evened out and his body had relaxed into the mattress, but he clung stubbornly to consciousness.

"Frozen?" Kensi echoed.

Deeks sighed. "Like I'm stuck back in that moment."

Kensi knew he meant when he was tortured. "Go on," she prompted.

"Every time I think I'm moving forward, I get stuck. Something takes me back there. A smell, a sound, a taste..."

"But every time you push past it," Kensi replied. She hadn't realized he was going through this and it broke her heart that he'd been suffering alone, but she knew how strong he was. She knew better than anyone. "You keep moving forward, Deeks. This time is no different."

He reached up and captured the hand in his hair, pulling it over his side where he tangled their fingers together on his chest. "It is different," he countered. "You're here."

Kensi felt her heart catch in her throat. "I am, and I'm not going anywhere. Go to sleep, Deeks. I'll be here when you wake up."

"Okay," Deeks whispered, his voice slurred with exhaustion.

"Okay," Kensi echoed, as she made to untangle her hand, only to give in when Deeks wouldn't let go. She would watch him sleep for a time then sneak her hand free. She had time. They didn't have to work tomorrow.

Only time slipped away from Kensi and the next thing she knew it was morning and she was alone in the bed. Panic fluttered through her until she heard the shower running. Slipping off the bed, Kensi snuck out to her car for her go bag. Deeks had a guest bathroom which she put to good use. She took a two minute shower, wanting to be out by the time Deeks was. She managed to beat him by seconds, meeting up in the kitchen.

Deeks was smiling, dressed in shorts and a tee shirt, feet bare. "Feel like a walk on the beach? I'll treat you to breakfast after."

"Deal." Kensi was thrilled to see that Deeks looked better. Still tired, but not that heavy exhaustion that seemed to drag him down. She knew the nightmares weren't over for him, but she was happy that she had helped through this one. And over breakfast she would talk him into calling her when he needed her.

"Got your stuff?" Deeks asked. "I'm driving." He was halfway to the door already."

Kensi had her phone so she was good to go. But as she reached Deeks a thought suddenly hit her. "Where's Monty?"

Deeks chuckled. "Sleepover at his girlfriends."

"Seriously?" Kensi eyed Deeks with suspicion, only to have give her puppy dog eyes shining with innocence. Which didn't prove a thing.

"Monty is a handsome dude," Deeks countered, ushering Kensi out the door. "Why wouldn't he have a girlfriend?"

Kensi snorted. "Good point. Lord knows his daddy can't get any."

Deeks glared at her in mock offense. "I am gutted, absolutely gutted," he declared, one hand pressed to his heart dramatically. "I'll have you know..." he began.

"Not listening," Kensi countered, falling happily back into their comfortable give and take. She would give Deeks this, because he needed it, and maybe she did too.

"You wound me, Fern," Deeks said, as he fell into step beside her.

The sun was shining, Deeks looked happy, and Kensi felt like she could breathe again. "You'll live," she countered, bumping his shoulder with her own. And he knew she understood the double meaning of her words.

Deeks bumped her back, then they fell into perfect step, faces lifted to the sun.

THE END.


End file.
